im a hopeless romantic too - ehm, try writing less literal - use metaphors and such, makes for less obvious reading. the rest will come with tiem. thought i might share some of my own (hope i dont steal the thread), btw this one is about 8 months old:

the summer dies and so do i
i take a risk, the swallow cries

and ill stop right here in mid path
and bow down below its wrath
of cold dead whips and broken hearts
of failed hopes and miserable starts

to continue on another day
or to lay alone as death and decay
to not care again for myself or others
to not hug, kiss or smother

ill wake up in this place called home
supposedly meant to give us hope
but my morales can't be recovered
so is there something else to discover

i dont know how much more i can take
after the 14th time i've had to partake
my head is low and my hopes even lower
my pace is slow and my thoughts slower

my heart does not pump with every breath i take
and with every breath my lungs, they ache
love begins with the beat of a heart
but love cannot end, if it has yet to start

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